Let me be honest. I’ve been a train wreck lately. I’ve been holding it together at work well enough, but overall, at home, I’m a mess. With everything going on I’m looking for indulgences to keep my mind quiet. So, I’m eating plenty of sugary and salty things. And I’ve been drinking. I’m not a big drinker in general. I’ll have a glass of wine or beer here and there, I’ll go wine tasting. For the last serval weeks though, there’s been one day/night a week that I have gotten completely smashed. To the point where I’ve even been “pre-gaming”. (Warm up drinks at the house before the party, group outing, sporting event, ect.) This has to stop. The food and especially the alcohol.
I’m not drinking and driving, you don’t do that. But, it ain’t healthy. My dad’s cancer doesn’t disappear because I’m drunk. My emotional need from a break from work doesn’t get fulfilled while I’m drinking. (Vacation in three weeks, I’m counting down!) Eating all the Girl Scout cookies I can handle after CC goes to bed so he doesn’t know, doesn’t help anyone, and doesn’t fix any of the stress I’m experiencing because of everything that has happened lately.
I’m burnt out because I’m tired and drained. I’m still keeping up with my work outs, but my poor diet is making feel like crap. It doesn’t matter how many laps I walk around the park if I’m cramming my face with kettle chips when I get home. Especially when I’m eating them at 10:30pm.
I told myself that I want to not drink for the next 21 days. I am not allowed to bring any sweets into the house until then also. I can eat veggies and fruits and food that will fuel my body and soul. I can take the next challenge in my work outs to finally break though this plateaued in my weight loss. I can do this. I need to do this.
But not just with the main goal being to lose weight. To heal what’s upset in me. To fix the balance in the right way. To be genuine in the positivity and strength I show at work, and with my friends, and with my husband. I feel like I have to fake it an remain strong when I feel like everyone is actually waiting for me to say it out loud that I feel broken and I need support. I think it has to start with what I’m putting inside. I’m putting toxins in right now, I instead need to be putting in things that are whole and good. Maybe then I can start feeling, or at least start on the road to feeling, less broken.
I’ve plateaued again in my weightloss. With everything that’s been going I’m not surprised, but during the same time period as last year I had the same issue.
I’m staying within the same 3-5 pounds, and I can’t seem to get lower than were I was before Christmas. I’m not letting off my workouts, if fact I’ve increased, but reaching my goal to drop another 40 pounds (for a full 100 pound weightloss since May 2015), is not something I’ve been able to chip away at yet this year.
However, while at the beach this past weekend, a very nice woman took a picture of my and my husband for me. She took a full body shot picture, which I never do. I’m so glad she did though. When comparing it to a picture taken almost exactly 2 years ago to the day, I can can truly see the difference and how my hard work has paid off so far. Sometimes we need to see ourselves through the eyes of others. Even those of a perfect stranger.
Kind of awesome. This is motivation and the confirmation that I’m still moving in the right direction and that I am worth every step of this journey.
1. CC got a new job (coaching and teaching) at another school, in another district. He’s excited, but the administration at the current high school he is at is making his life a nightmare. He actually has his union involved and is making a formal grievance because it has become nasty and public despite CC’s best efforts to to remain professional.
2. My office has a water leak and we’ve been going though a serious of harsh storms here in Nor Cal. My office is musty and moldy. It took me two weeks of asking nicely, then a tantrum and then finally brining on tears to get my asshat of a landlord to understand I was ready to call the city board of health and code if he didn’t fix my issue since he didn’t have an acceptable space for me to move into. Now my office is (temporarily) fixed and I can work in it while I find a different office complex to move to.
3. My childhood best friend’s dad passed away last week. On Sunday, added on the tail end of a quick family trip, we are going to his funeral. I am deeply saddened and more affected by this than I have realized. Some of my favorite childhood memories are with their family. My heart breaks for them. It’s been on my mind this whole past week and I know I haven’t fully dealt with my feelings around it.
4. My dad has cancer. He was diagnosed about 5 weeks ago. He starts chemo on Tuesday. He has pancreatic cancer. It’s scary, it’s terrifying and that has been chewing up a large part of my sanity. We’re doing this last minute quick family trip and its stressing me out. I’m at a loss.
On top of all of this work has been so busy it’s created a great distraction. But I have some unresolved conflict from last year regarding my family and I’m annoyed that I have to deal with all these things. CC is making me positively insane with his daily updates from school and I can’t take one more negative thing. In addition to all of this I need to get a new car and we are starting to seriously house hunt since we know that are ready to sell the condo because we will be staying in the area for at least 3+ more years.
I’ve reached my capacity for dealing with other people’s crap. It’s coming to head and I just want this month to be over. Please.