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Heavy Stuff

May 27, 2016

I’m going to take a moment and do a serious post because I have to get some things out of my head and see them in front of me. It’s been brought to my attention that a suspicion of how am perceived by my parents is truth. 

I am seen as lesser due to my lack of childbearing. CC and I decided, even before we where engaged, before we even a couple, that we didn’t want children. After 6 years of marriage that fact hasn’t changed. I don’t lose sleep over my decision. I don’t feel like I am missing out or that I short-changing myself somehow. I had no interest in children at 29, at 35, six months from 36, the idea seems preposterous. 

I was scrolling though Facebook after getting home at 10pm from my long work day today (3rd time this week with a late night, my clients like their appointments after work mostly.), to discover that a childhood friend gave birth to her first born. She and her husband got married the same year as we did. They are wonderful people. My heart is overjoyed for them. Their child is beautiful and perfect and they will be exceptional parents.

Unfortunately I have a sadness nagging at me. I can see my mom’s face as she sees the same post. I can feel her jealously over her friend getting her 3rd grandchild. I can hear my mom cursing my stubbornness and likely also cursing football and my lifestyle. It makes my heart ache. Not because I need to justify my lifestyle and explain it to anyone, but because my own mother has complained openly and has stated to others that my lack of child-production makes my life less important or even relevant. That I’m squandering away time because I’m choosing to not share it with a child, but instead with my husband, my best friend, my other half. 

She’s said these things to my in-laws and it hurts me. It confirmed what I thought I knew and didn’t want to believe. It makes me wish she’d just talk to me and listen. She doesn’t have to like it, but I need for her (and my dad) to accept this. I need to hear that it doesn’t invalidate my life. I have a wonderful husband, a marriage I work very hard at, a great job, wonderful friends who are my chosen family. That should be enough. 

But as soon as I saw that baby announcement my heart fell. Because I knew. I knew I once again failed. I failed to reach an expectation. I failed to produce. I failed to become someone worth bragging about or gushing over. I failed to meet a milestone that I have repeatedly (since I was as young as 27, maybe even earlier) voiced not wanting to obtain. 

I have a small, simple life. Filled not with things, but with memories, adventures, beautiful people from all walks of life. I have a friend who’s daughters I treasure and get to spoil with my love. I have my cats, my career, and not least of all, but mostly, I have my husband. A man who treats me with a care and respect and understanding I have never before in my life known or understood. I am fulfilled. 

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From → Family, Marriage

2 Comments
  1. No no no girl – it isn’t YOU who failed but all the unevolved souls who cannot understand someone uninterested in things they were interested in (read conformed to). My husband and I are by choice childless – and thoroughly fulfilled and happy, most possibly because of it 😈 so I know something about this. Jokes apart, I am sorry but parents no matter how well meaning or beloved are not always the most evolved or sensitive or considerate or kind so don’t you dare take it to heart even though I know how it must hurt. You are not obligated to prevent your mom’s propensity for petty jealousies – she needs to value and celebrate you as a unique intelligent human being who makes informed choices about her own life, one of which happens to be being married but childless. Your being a great loving, caring, responsible daughter has nothing to do with your choosing not to be a parent – if she can’t see it, that is her cross to bear and totally her loss. If she and others don’t get it, don’t try convincing them beyond a point and definitely don’t seek or expect approval from such quarters. Stand by your choices and be thousand times happier and more fulfilled in your own way, on your terms – that alone will shut them up or win them over, as the case may be. As you can guess, right now I am feeling fiercely protective of you! Big hug – dare you be sad or shamed over this. Living life truly on one’s own terms will always bring one face to face with such challenges. You owe it to yourself to not get disheartened when you find anyone disrespecting your choice, no matter how they justify it. Your being or not being a parent is simply not her decision to make or pass judgement on. It is nobody’s business but your husband and yours. Be strong. Much love.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so much for this. Waking up to see this comment makes me feel so much better. I appreciate your words and your understanding. So few people get it, and the fact that you have come out of the blue to post this lifts my heart up. Thank you!

      Like

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