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5/2/18

May 2, 2018

Current vibes: A quiet spring morning alone with my cats and a cup of coffee. This I am grateful for. I can sit here in quiet reflection for the first time a week and really wrap my brain around what is going on. My dad has cancer now in his liver. They are hoping to do chemo if he can get a little stronger in PT. If he does go ahead and do the chemo that will buy us more time with him, but ultimately, this could be the beginning of the end.

I hate using that term. It sounds so awful because it is. I don’t want to be in denial of what the reality is, but I also don’t want to be all like “my dad is dying”.

My emotions are all over the place. I want to continue to do the things I normally would be doing this time of year. Which is celebrating all these May birthdays that we have in our social circle. (I am one of two Sagittarius’s in a sea of Aries and Tauruses.) I can barely get myself off the couch when I come home. I’ve gotten some much needed gardening done, I’m keeping busy at work, but my reality is that I’m exhausted at the end of the day and that the things I’m carrying inside my heart need to expressed. I’m tired because my emotions are taxing.

Coach wants to go the beach Sunday for his birthday and I need that so badly. I’m sure mom will agree that it is okay to go. I’m still struggling with the idea that it will be okay to be that far from dad, but he’s stable and he won’t die anytime soon.

My friends have been incredibly supportive through the last two months. That makes this easier. Margie was even up at the hospital with my parents yesterday on her lunch break. I’m so glad that they feel comfortable enough to have her there with them. She understands though. A survivor herself, she’s been there.

I really hate cancer. I don’t hate a lot of things but i hate cancer. I hate that so many people are touched by it and that so many incredible people are taken so soon and sometimes too suddenly. I don’t understand why there isn’t a cure. Not a quick fix, but at least a cure. I talk to people, clients, my loved ones, and we all know someone that was just diagnosed, battling, just lost the fight. It’s not right. I wonder how many people I will end up losing over my lifetime to cancer. It seems inevitable that some of us will go this way. It seems more common. That’s so sad. And awful. Can’t the world do better?

My goals right now are to take care of myself and keep working. Staying busy. Being available to my mom. I’m honestly tempted to offer to move back home whenever dad gets to go back to the house. Just so mom can have another person there. I know Coach would rather I was here, but I feel like mom could use the support, and it would be easier if I wasn’t on the other side of town. Maybe I’m jumping too far ahead. But again, my heart and brain are racing round with so many thoughts. At least some of them are out now. I do feel lighter.

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From → Family

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