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6/5/18

June 5, 2018

Let’s be real. Some days are really hard. Some days I’m barely holding it together, other days, it’s like nothing has changed. Small things set me off, otherwise minor issues seem insurmountable. Even when I’ve knowingly overreacted, I get further emotional because I can’t help it.

From what I understand, this is all “normal”. Grief is personal, take your time, feel everything, blah, blah, blah. Can we just state for the record that this shit sucks? That you are never prepared? It doesn’t matter who you talk to, what books you read, what blog post you stumble across, this shit just sucks.

And you have to go through it. You have to make the journey and do the process. The alternative is denial, questionable choices, a halt on forward motion in life. All three unfavorable.

So here I am. Being present. Feeling my feels. Crying when I need to and laughing because it is equally therapeutic. I’ve been watching all these awful and cheesy 90’s action movies. Cage, Travolta, Gibson, and Jones make grief easier to ignore at night when I can’t fall asleep. If I was hanging out with Hollywood’s leading ladies I’d be watching Hope Floats and wanting kill myself.

Instead I’m watching Lethal Weapon. I’m watching Nic Cage go to Alcatraz. I’m watching Keanu play himself as he tackles speeding buses and drug dealing surfers. Tommy Lee Jones is apprehending escaped convicts and protecting LA from volcanoes.

These are safe spaces. I can think of watching these movies with my dad without sobbing. Instead I know he’s quietly laughing at the bad writing and now ridiculous special effects that used to be so cutting edge.

I’ve had to skip a few movies though. I can’t face Jurassic Park yet. Armageddon will leave me in puddle. Twister will always remind me of being 16 and watching dad get excited to show off the home theater system to anyone who comes over that hasn’t experienced it yet. Entrapment was a favorite of his. He loved Catherine Zeta Jones.

This doesn’t even begin to cover the looooonnnnggggg list of music I’m avoiding right now too.

I miss him.

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From → Family

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