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July 13, 2018

Let’s be real. I’m struggling. Some days are super easy and I just make it through. This week I’ve been annoyed everyday and now I’m just tired and angry today.

We took four days and went up highway 1 to a part of the coast we’ve only driven through, and spent 4 days. I could have used a week. I at least should have taken the rest of this week off. The time away was nice. Restful, easy.

I’ve talked to people who lost parents, everyone did something different. Few days off here and there, I know someone who was able to take a month. A month off would do serious damage to my savings. But why can’t I start taking an extra day off on my schedule when I can find it? This has become my new plan. I’m taking an extra day when I can find it. I’m going to be more deliberate in my schedule to keep chunks of time open for myself. My regular days off are Sundays and Tuesdays. Monday is typically one of my longest work days of the week, so getting that off simply isn’t an option. But I can take Wednesday’s where I can. And I’m going to.

Will this fix everything? No. Will it give me more down time? Yes.

I’ve been told that I’m the strong one, that everyone needs me. I’m reliable. That’s annoying to me. What does that mean exactly? That I’m expected to suck it up and move forward? Even when I said to my mom before we went out of town that I should have taken the whole week she asked why I needed that. This coming from a woman who left to take 10 days away with my brother and his wife and kid to go on a cruise. (We we’re also invited, I declined. If I’m taking 10 days off, it’s not going to be stuck on a boat, I’m site-seeing in my own time. Hello road trip.)

So this is where I’m at. From what I’m told I’m in a natural place of progression in my grief. I’m guessing that’s good? I’m moving along? Dealing? This is the first time in my career that I wish my job didn’t require so much of me, I almost for a moment wish my job was a tad more mindless. I’m pushing through though. I’m going to get there. I just need to take the time I need, and be mindful and aggressive about the lines I write in my appointment book delineating my days off. I can do this. I need this. I will get to the other side.


From → Family

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