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July 15, 2018

I tried hard today. I finished an exhausting 4 day work week last night and crashed when I got home. I actually got 8 hours of hard earned sleep. Took a long, lazy walk outside in 80 degree weather (high was 100 today) this morning. Stoked as all get out that my new treadmill is coming on Tuesday. I did all my laundry, hit the bank, and grocery shopped.

I also finished my photo book for the first 6 months of the year. About 4 years ago I got into the habit of creating a Shutterfly photo book for every year and major trip we took. I went and did books starting from 2009 when we starting dating. I’m now at a point where I have to split the year in two because I take so many pictures and hit so many notes. Usually in the past I try to make them come from both mine and coach’s point of view, I stopped doing that with the last couple books and really started owning that it was my photo journal, my memories, and my point of view. I love these books. This last one was hard. Typically I work on them every other week or so. I put off this current one for months. With dad sick I was distracted. With dad gone, it didn’t seem relevant.

Truth is I still have to tell my story. So I did. I finished it. And I was in a shitty mood for the rest of the day. It was like going over all of it again. It had to be done. The book is raw and it’s honest and it’s gone to print. I will never be able to forget how I felt after dad died.

The book also lent to remind me that I have 6 more months to live within this year. It’s not over. Our first Christmas, thanksgiving, and my birthday will come without dad here. And I will document it. I will live through it. It will break my heart. We’ll have to start new traditions and let old ones go or revamp them. This saddens and terrifies me.

What’s that all going to look like? How will I handle that? How do I move on and move forward? These are the same questions I ask everyday. Here I am. You don’t get better. You get different. Because life is different. Big pill to swallow. Choked down everyday. Some days it is so easy, other days, like today? My heart broke all over again.

Tomorrow I’ll get up at my usual Monday time. 5:50am. I’ll take my walk, feed my cats, I’ll go to work. I’ll get shit done. Part of the day I’ll be me, part of the day I’ll be the gal who’s dad died two months ago. And I’ll get through. I’ll be okay. Different, but okay.


From → Family

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