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Monday Stuff 10/8/18

October 8, 2018

It’s October. I’ve gotten this far. I’ve been working a lot. More than I’m used to. Or maybe it’s my new normal and I still haven’t wrapped my brain around it. I worry that I’m overbooking to distract myself. Truthfully, I am just this busy. I haven’t taken much time off though. I am taking an extra day this week, I’m taking a Saturday in two weeks so we can do two full days in Santa Cruz. I have 5 days off in November over the holiday weekend. I’m taking a full week in December. I’m trying to make the time. For me. I have to do this for me.

My newly sleeved lower right leg is just about done. 1 more session. Then I have to decide what we are going to do next. I have ideas… The tattoo sessions are helping me process. The pain is letting me know I’m still feeling. The time is something that is solely for me. The money is hard earned and I’m parting with it for beautiful, wearable art. Plus, this new-to-me artist is great. He’s talented and super easy to work with.

I’m working hard on being honest. I feel like I have little to lose at this point in the year. I’m struggling a little in some of my relationships, and trying to bring my marriage to a better place. I figure as long as I’m being honest, I can’t lose. I’m not being mean or anything, I’m just making a point of taking more ownership of my emotions. I take care of so many people but I’m not doing that enough for me. I really need to do more. I want more for myself and my life. I have to make me a priority a bit more often. I’m trying to start that now as much as I can, but that’s going to be a bigger focus for next year. I want to be more fully satisfied, and not just with my job. I’m purging a lot of belongings. The things I don’t need, I don’t want. It’s just the right time for that. Less of what I don’t need, more of what will bring me joy and happiness.

This comes back to my wants. I want a few things I can’t have. Things that are currently unattainable. Nothing illicit, just things that if my world, my space, and my view were changed, I could have something more aligned to fit what I want this life to look like.

That sounds so vague. Some of the things I’m processing through I’m not fully ready enough to divulge, to actually say out loud, outside of my head. But I know there are things that if I chose to peruse them, I will upset the current status quo. I could lose more. They could cost me.

I don’t want my happiness to come at the expense of others. I at least need to recognize that the life I’d like to have isn’t the life I’m living. I know the grass isn’t always greener, but if the opportunity is made for a life more abundant, more full of the things I crave, shouldn’t I go for it? A life more fulfilled and more lived? A life where the best version of myself is more thoroughly loving and caring, more present, more honest and self aware, more for the space that I am occupying.

My current reality is that I thought there would be more. I thought more would be brought to the table. I go hungry and I feel empty and used up. It never looks the way you thought it would. I just didn’t think that my current view would be so much less. I don’t know that I will get farther by literally clearing out the clutter, but maybe I will now be able to put one foot in front of the other and carve a path.

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